my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Dick very happy bro
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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