I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
