People with herpes should wear stickers.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
