Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
the raccoons are back...
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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