Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
