I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
