There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
