My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
