yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Randomize
