i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
