I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
