Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
