the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
