I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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