listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I will pee on everything he values.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
