i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
