if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
