we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Found the puke drawer
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
