She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
