okay pat passed out under dana's car
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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