so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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