I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
