I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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