I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
