we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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