Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
