Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Did you just see the Batmobile???
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I came so hard my ears popped.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
