What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
