we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
