Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
