I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I just found puke in my bra..
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
