I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
