i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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