Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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