he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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