Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
