How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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