I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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