I must be too annoying 4 u.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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