you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I think my moral compass just broke
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
