my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
