she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
