Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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