No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
