It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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