you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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