I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
