i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
It's never too late to be topless.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
