Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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