I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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